Dealing with Obstacles

My dear one,
Sorry about the delay. Here is my reply. You need to do Yamantaka retreat; this would be very good. I will do mamo-trü-kang and she-nyin dü-dog puja for you. If you can, ask Geshe-la to do chag-sum puja for you.

If you can, recite five malas a day of the White Umbrella prayer until you are better, and do a total of 110 White Umbrella prayers.  Also, do the Six-arm Mahakala, Kalarupa and Palden Lhamo practices if you can. 

There is a protection you need to wear called Arya Granting Fearlessness. Geshe-la needs to bless this, then print it out and wear it around your neck. I am attaching the protection; it is a small text called Exalted One Unable to Be Controlled by Others Granting Fearlessness.

Some benefits of this protection are:

• Others are unable to harm you. You are protected when going to dangerous places.
• It protects you from danger and any harm, especially harm from spirits, cannibals, water, fire, poison, snakes, animals, thieves, and robbers.
• Others are unable to control you. It also protects you in court cases, or when you have to see someone who is set against you.
• It protects you from war, physical fighting in the place where you live, such as the area, town, your house, etc.
• You are protected from the dangers of the elements: fire, water, air, and earth. When you wear this protection, all the buddhas and bodhisattvas will guide you and will reveal all the Dharma to you.

This has been taught by seven buddhas.

If you are a real nun in the FPMT then you can get money from the Lama Yeshe Sangha Fund. If you really don’t have money, this is one way to manage if you cannot find external sponsors. If you work for a Dharma center, the center might be able to help you. If you stay with Tibetan nuns, most nunneries have someone who speaks English.

Some nuns have more money, some have less. Don’t be in too much of a panic in life. Life is short, you can die at any time, so you need to practice Dharma every second. Keep in your mind bodhicitta and guru devotion, to benefit others. Your mom, who you think is selfish, is the most practical guru, who helps you have realizations, develop patience, love, compassion, and thought transformation. She is the one who brings you to enlightenment the quickest by letting you put into practice what you learn.

Since it was rape, the intercourse that happened was not your choice. It was force, like a torture. The other thing is that since you didn’t enjoy it, you didn’t experience pleasure. So, you have not broken the root vow.

To break the vow, the goal should be pleasure and one should have the experience of that pleasure. That would complete the goal and break the root vow.

There is detailed information available that defines what a total loss of root vows entails. Also, according my divinations, it would be better for you to live in ordination than not.